Grief, Loss, and Lots of Thoughts

I opened the Wordle game and typed in G.R.I.E.F. as my starting word. I usually start with the first word that comes to mind each day. Today, that word was GRIEF. I was thinking about the concept of grief and the rules about grief. Sometimes society seems to put loss into categories with corresponding grief scales. Loss gets ranked by magnitude. Loss of a pet is less than the loss of a family member. Losing a job lower than loss of a home. In my opinion, this process is crazy, flawed, and inaccurate. No one can rank or measure our individual loss or the process of our grieving.

It started on Saturday. Emily and I walked (well, I pushed Princess Emily) a virtual 5K to create awareness about The Dagny Foundation. This foundation supports families that are experiencing infant loss or crisis. It is something I have never personally experienced but I can only imagine the weight of the grief is heavy and unbearable. I began thinking about the many losses of children I have witnessed over the years as Emily’s mom. Raising a child with severe disabilities has exposed us to more loss than if our journey was typical. Several of Emily’s friends that have passed were never expected to live beyond infancy due to their disorder, syndrome, or complex medical issues. These parents have shared some of the journey, struggles, and joys of having their child overcome obstacles or meet milestones the medical professionals never thought they would reach. They cherished that extra time that they did not expect to receive. There is gratitude for every day they were able to hold their child beyond what they told was possible.

Yesterday, I decided to check in on Facebook before going to bed. The first post I see is from a colleague sharing that her daughter passed away unexpectedly. She was young, healthy, and a bright light. The news hit me harder than I expected. It felt heavy and unbearable. A crushing feeling of the cruelty and injustice of the loss emerged. I felt tremendous pain for my colleague and her family. How can anyone process and move on from such a tragic loss? The news was devastating to me. I didn’t sleep much last night as my mind raced. As my thoughts came and went, I began judging my thoughts. 

The loss of a child is always devastating and terrible. Why is this hitting you harder than other losses? What is wrong with you? Who are you to decide one loss is more tragic than another? All loss is terrible. Let the judgmental chatter begin! I decided to be curious about why this loss hit me so hard and why it felt devastating. I really do not have a good answer. Maybe it is the unexpectedness of it all. It is hard to comprehend the passing of a physically healthy young adult. When my dad passed, it was sudden and unexpected. I know that loss was not easy for our family to process. I was only 16, but I remember thinking it would be difficult for my Granny. Losing a child is the worst thing I thought one could ever experience, and maybe I still hold that belief.

When my mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer that had spread throughout her body, we knew time was short, but we had that time. Nothing was left unsaid to my mom. We had the gift of time. I knew our time was short and didn’t want to waste any of it. I spent time with her. We chatted. I asked questions and took in all the love I could, knowing the end was imminent.

Is that the difference? Did this loss strike out of nowhere to someone who was young and healthy? If I had to guess, I think that is why this feels harder for me. I believe no one is ever truly ready or prepared to lose a child, and I also know that I do not have any answers. Grieving a loss is a personal and unique experience for each individual. No one shares the same experience. 

Grief is something we will all experience, and I desire to support my friends, and family that are grieving. I want to show up for others. I don’t want to avoid connection or interaction out of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. I want to learn how I can better support others that are grieving and stand by them in the process. I am always searching for resources and tools to increase my awareness and grow in knowledge and understanding.

Here are a few resources that may be helpful if you or someone you care about is experiencing a loss:

• The Little Book of Grief, Grace, and Gratitude by Chris Palmore
• It’s Okay That You Are Not Okay by Megan Devine 
• Good Grief Website
• The Grief Coach
• 1095: Doing Better – A Conversation About Supporting Others with Suzie Barbour