There are days when we respond to circumstances with abundant grace. We have things come at us and we adapt and pivot like a boss. I recently wrote that one of my superpowers was my ability to adapt and pivot. I think my superpowers were malfunctioning on Sunday.
Sunday was typical. I got up by 4:45 am and was able to catch my favorite live meditation on Clubhouse. One of my dear friends and accountability partners lives in New York and she was in the virtual room doing the meditation as well. I felt connected to her. My day was off to a great start.
My meditation was followed by weekly planning and journaling. I made a cup of tea and sat down to coach clients. Though I live in California, most of my clients live on the east coast so I am up early working with them. After coaching, I had a Zoom meeting with one of my accountability groups. I have several and each brings unique value, perspective, and friendship to my life. Many of these women I have never met in person, yet I consider them my closest friends. When things go south, they are the first people I reach out to.
By the time all the meditating, vibration plating, and zooming was done, Emily was up for the day. I had chosen to do self-care Sunday on Saturday this week so our day was free. We had breakfast and got ready for the day. I did some chores and got things prepared for the week. Emily and I also sat by the pool and watched it fill with water for a few hours.
Later Emily and I were sitting on the floor watching The Wiggles (Shocking and unexpected. Right?). I realized Emily needed to use the restroom. (Let’s just say that mom is potty trained after 20 years.) I tried to pick Emily up to walk her and she dropped her weight. I tried again and Emily dropped her weight. By the third time, I was a little less patient and anxious that I might get injured. She is well over 100 pounds and doesn’t assist. The third time, she stands and bears weight. I start walking her to the restroom and as we turn the corner into the hallway, she throws herself forward.
I just hear the sound of her body crashing into the wood floor. Justin hears and springs to the hall to check on her. My mind went straight to the worst case. I am certain she hit face first and I am going to lift her and find her nose broken, teeth missing, and covered in blood. She does not even think to put her arms out or do anything to brace for impact. She just falls forward. I have a vision of her playing the trust game and no one is there to catch her.
We scooped her off the floor and to my imagination’s dismay she was fine. She isn’t even crying. I was shaking and a mess. She didn’t have a mark on her. I continued to check on her for the next few hours. I was certain I missed some injury. I played the incident over and over in my head. I allowed my brain to spiral. It was not my best moment. The feelings of guilt and anxiety had me reactive all evening.
I chose to carry the guilt and anxiety with me all day Monday. I spent today still anxious and overwhelmed. I got up at 4:45 am. I meditated. I journaled. I exercised. I went through all the motions but I had not forgiven myself. I had not given myself grace. Emily was resilient. She was fine. It wasn’t until I sat down to write this after a day of stress and anxiety, that I decided to give myself grace. I released the anxiety. I centered myself. I reminded myself that old habits are hard to overcome. Sometimes I am not going to adapt. Sometimes I am not going to pivot. Sometimes I am going to wallow in my thoughts and that is okay. I just will not allow myself to stay there long. I can be resilient too. I can have a fall and get back up and shake it off. I may even stand up without any bumps, bruises or bloody noses like Emily did.
Conversation for Change 