Joyful Celebration With a Side of Worry

I often hear it said that the days go slow, but the years go fast. Those words are hitting me hard today. Emily will be twenty-three this week. I can’t help but reflect on how fast the time has passed. It is hard to believe we have been on this journey for so long. I would love to say that I never worry about her future, but that would be a lie. My anxiety increases as Emily ages. Her age is a reminder that I am aging too. Who will be there when I can no longer meet her daily needs and keep her safe? Her birthday is a subtle reminder that I am aging too.

In January, I published a short article on Medium that captured the melancholy of my mood: 

The New Year is here. It is a cool, wet, and dark day. The weather is gray and a bit dreary, and I am too. My body is aging and yours is too but mine is slowing down and yours is still racing forward.

As I get older, I think about your future. What things will look like in years to come? How long will my body be able to be your hands and feet? How long will I have the mind to advocate on your behalf?

For over twenty-two years, I have lifted, carried, bathed, dressed, and moved you. It is my hope to continue to care for you until my last day on earth. I often dream that you will never know a time when I am not the one who is there for your care.

My caregiver fears working overtime today AND that’s OKAY.

While I carry anxiety and fear, joy and gratitude will cut in front of them as we celebrate the birth of my beautiful girl. I will wrap presents for her that I will open. There will be cake that I will feed her. There will be love that I will express to and for her. I will receive, with open arms, the gift of another year that I am able to be Emily’s hands and feet. 

Happy birthday to you, Emily. May you continue to grow and thrive and be a vessel of unconditional love to everyone you encounter today, tomorrow, and for years to come.