Letting Go With Clarity (and Data)

What a difference a day makes. How about a year? Last year, I was grappling with fear and anxiety as the new year unfolded. Worries of aging and maintaining my ability to care for Emily swirled in my mind on a loop. Days fueled by fear and worry perpetuated my anxiety. Fortunately, I am ending the year feeling good about the support we have to assist in Emily’s care. That will change. (Change is the only thing that is certain.) For now, I am grateful and thankful.

I spent the last week looking backward. Diving deep into the data I had collected through my plans and journals, I began to assess the year. It was eye-opening. My self-assessment without the data was dismal. I did nothing in 2023. Moved backward, not forwards. I made zero progress on my goals. Boy, am I grateful that I have data to disprove my negative thinking. My recollection was deficient and only painted a partial picture. While creating a highlight reel for each month, a different portrait emerged.

There were concerts and shows. I enjoyed another year of leading a connection circle group for We Are Brave Together. I traveled, connected, and expanded my knowledge by reading. In fact, I smashed my reading goal of 100 books. I read 177. I traveled to imaginary places. Read essays that altered my perspective. There were books that kept me awake at night. (Both fiction and non-fiction.) After almost a year, Emily finally got a new wheelchair. We found a new dentist for Emily and were able to address lingering dental issues. Many things to celebrate and rejoice in, and my mind just glossed over them.

Much was lost following the pandemic. All of our support services disappeared for the first 18 months. As they began to reappear, they were mere skeletons of their prior selves. This past year seems to be a transition to more opportunities and services opening up. In September, Emily’s adult day program was expanded to cover more hours. I also have a caregiver who is helping with baths and driving Emily home a few times a week. As some of the gaps begin to fill in, I can see why I have been feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of burnout. It also highlighted the holes that remain.

While I have made some progress in the past year, the gains are small. My body needs more. Focusing on my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual fitness has to be a priority this year. In order to say yes to my fitness, I will have to say no to other commitments. I have been stretched too thin lately at the expense of my health and wellness. The process of reflecting and analyzing the data helped shine a light on the areas I have been neglecting. There has been A Little Too Much on my plate. Time to create blank space.