Conversation for Change

Throw Away the Manual

If you have ever purchased a new gadget you know it usually comes with instructions or an owner’s manual. Most things do come with instructions, but people don’t. Or do they? Every person has a belief system. The beliefs they value and apply to life are a type of instruction manual. The funny thing is each is unique to the individual. My manual is different from my husbands’. This is fine as long as we do not try to impose our manual on someone else.

We think we can apply our manual to others and they “should” follow it. They “should” have the same values, morals, principles that we have. Thinking this usually gets us into trouble. This concept took me a long time to grasp. We think we have the power to influence others and change them. We can slap our manuals of behavior on them and they will comply, if they care about us, or want us to be happy, or any other condition we apply to the operating manual.

It is hard enough for us to control our behavior, yet we think we can control the behavior of other people.

Thinking one should act or behave in a certain way is usually a recipe for discontentment. Our friends, family, coworkers, teachers…you get the idea, will never be able to live up to our expectations. It is never the action of another person that creates our emotions or sense of well-being. It is always a thought we are having that generates the feeling we get. It is always in our power to create any emotion we want.

Don’t believe me? Close your eyes and think of something that makes you feel happy. Your favorite vacation spot, a child, a pet. I would bet that a feeling of joy or contentment came over you. Perhaps you even realize you are smiling. John Assaraf teaches this concept of creating an emotion in his book Innercis e . It is just one of the exercises he uses to help unlock the power of your brain. We have the power to generate any emotion based on a thought we create.

This is powerful because it means we have the power to be happy in any relationship. What! Really. Your spouse or partner does not have to do or say anything to you for you to feel loved. If we drop our manuals and observe our relationships, we can find the ways they show love. It will be unique to them.

I used to think if my husband loved me, he would anticipate my needs and meet them. If I was tired and overwhelmed, he would give me a break. If I needed help caring for Emily, he would just jump in and offer assistance. First, I have to express what I need to him. I cannot expect him to be reading my mind. Heck, I can barely keep up with my thoughts and meet my own demands! Second, I can express my needs, but I cannot demand he respond in a certain way. It is his choice. Whatever he decides is not a reflection of the depth of his love and devotion to me. Third, learning this concept and applying it takes practice and patience.

Not applying our manuals to others takes practice to develop. First, it takes a decision. You decide not to put your expectations on others, period. Second, you have to learn to see when you are applying your manual to someone else. It usually starts with, “If he/she would/should/could, then I would feel/be/act…” Third, you must be willing to let that expectation go and accept how they are showing up.

When we give up trying to control other people, which we know doesn’t work, it is very liberating. We grow. We begin to challenge some of our beliefs and expectations. We become more receptive and open to the world around us. We may even realize there are things in our manual that no longer serve us or apply. We can start to change the manual we have for ourselves. When we realize how much power we have in creating our life and a life we love, amazing shifts happen. The possibilities are endless. It doesn’t require any other person around us to adapt or change. We become the change.

Fasten Your Seatbelt

An old friend called me this weekend to check on our family. The discussion turned to the past. When Emily was a toddler, she was easily overstimulated by sounds or crowds. We were spending Easter at their home and at some point Emily “lost it”. She was crying and inconsolable. The only thing that worked was to drive her around and play a Wiggles CD in my car until she calmed down. I missed most of that evening. A few weeks later Emily got upset when I was covering dinner with aluminum foil. Todd and I realized that was the sound that had upset her on Easter.

Princess Emily was riding solo in her yellow chariot today

As I was discussing the last year, I mentioned that I feel like Emily has lost 18 years of progress this year. I know this is just a thought, but I also know she is not the same woman she was a year ago. A year ago, she was out in the community daily. She would ride the bus and go out to eat. She went on overnight trips and was able to sit through a movie at the theatre. She had a social life. She has never acclimated to large, noisy crowds, but the progress was amazing.

What a difference a COVID year makes. Now just the sight of a person walking by gets her excited. Her voice gets loud and you can hear her a block away. She gets overstimulated easily. She is not easily redirected or easy to console. Her ability to tolerate wearing a mask is short and her agitation is long. She has become attached to the family. She gets upset when separated from us. Her anxiety is high and her transitional walking low. I cannot think of one area where she is doing “better” than before.

This week Emily is scheduled to go back to school for a few hours a day. She has not been to class in fourteen months. There have been meetings and calls to help prepare parents and students for the new protocols. We found out Emily’s regular teacher will not be returning this year and is out on medical leave. I had a call with the school nurse on Friday and we discussed her behaviors and ability to keep a mask on. We discussed the mask exemption form, which I completed. The nurse mentioned concerns the substitute teacher had about working with students not wearing a mask or shield. The thoughts I had around this conversation were not good. I am working on them.

The cost of the last year is high. We have all suffered loss and are grieving. The loss of loved ones, jobs, family, connection, stability, income, careers, mental wellness…and the list could continue. As I reflect on the challenges and difficulties, I know this is just the first part of the challenge. For Emily, the next part is integrating back into the world. It is learning new ways of doing things. It is adapting to the new structure. For each of us, we will have to adapt. I get it. For those with intellectual disabilities, adapting will take longer. The road will have more bumps and curves. All we can do as a family is buckle up our seatbelts and prepare for the turbulence ahead. We will land safely but for now I better stock up on Dramamine.

My Superpower: Adapt and Pivot

I like to have a plan. I love the look of my day planned out on paper. It is a map that gives me my direction for the day. I am not attached to any planner or scheduling tool. I use what is in front of me and make it work. I am currently using the Change Maker’s Journal at Primal Potential by Elizabeth Benton. For the past 737 days, I have planned my days and my food. Some of those plans are detailed and some are sparse. My current planner has lots of blank space.

My plans are flexible. I often time block my days or just make general “ta-da” lists on them. I do prep work for the following day the night before. This gives me time to see where adjustments might be made. I adjust my plan if needed. My plans usually have my goals or notes from a personal development tool that grabbed my attention. My plans often include an affirmation or quote that spoke to me. I also include gratitude. For the past year, it has been 3 things I am grateful for about my husband.

My food plan is usually loose. Many days it simply says, “listen to your body and GBB (good, better, or best) choices. I do not believe any food or drink is “bad”. They are choices. Eat when you are hungry and don’t eat when you are not hungry.

Did I mention my plans are messy? I sometimes cannot read what I wrote. Does that matter? It used to. As a recovering perfectionist, I have learned the art of letting it go. I also expect them to change. I manage a house. I work. I am a caregiver. I am a wife. You can bet no matter how pretty my day looks on paper, it will not unfold as planned and that is okay. I expect the changes. I do not fight them or resist them.

After I write out my beautiful, messy, imperfect plan, I look it over and see the gaps. I decide what are the “must do’s”. Typically only one or two items are critical and anything that doesn’t happen can be moved to another day. Caring for Emily has taught me that nothing is certain. You cannot predict sickness, shitty diapers (yes, I said it), a caregiver not able to come when I have a deadline at work, and a multitude of other things called “life”. Some days I catch myself singing “Life Changes” by Thomas Rhett: “you make your plans and you hear God laughing…”

The reality is we have no control over many factors in our day. We cannot control traffic, Zoom issues, internet problems, sickness, or countless other factors. I simply make my plan and prepare to adapt and pivot. In the past year, adapt and pivot have become my sidekicks. We are quite the trio. I tell my clients that learning to adapt and pivot are amazing tools to utilize. Both are essential to learning how to create calm in the chaos. As I proof this in the wee hours of the morning, I just got an email meeting reminder that was not on my plan and the caregiver texted she is sick today. What can I do? I can adapt and I can pivot. The only thing certain is change, so plan for it and then adapt and pivot.

Anxiety Sucks

The title sounds a bit harsh but I am not a fan. We all experience anxiety. It is a normal emotion and can be useful. I get anxious when I am running late or driving in traffic. Many circumstances can bring up anxiety. Most of us can practice tricks and tools to temper the feeling and continue with the task at hand. It does not stop us from propelling forward.

One of my favorite tools is to just sit and experience how it feels in my body. Notice that my heart rate increases. My skin is warmer to the touch and gets flush. I get a knot at the top of my stomach. Sometimes my mouth will get dry and even my eyes will twitch if the feeling is intense. Observing the physical responses curiously and objectively is sometimes enough for the emotion to cycle and pass. There are times when deep and focused breathing or visualization is a better tool. I can take my brain in another direction. It is like I get off the anxiety train and get on the calm, or maybe the acceptance train. It is incredible what our brains can do.

I can adapt to change fairly well. I may not like it but I can do it. My mental health has always been stable and I am extremely grateful for that. I am fortunate to have found tools to manage my anxiety and I do not suffer crippling and physically limiting anxiety. Not everyone can do this. I know this is a gift that I do not take for granted.

I have been with my husband, Todd, for thirty-five years. We have been married for almost twenty-nine. After we had Justin and Emily, he began to experience anxiety. It did not pass with a body scan and some breathing techniques. His anxiety would take over his body and he had little to zero control over it. Sometimes it would keep him from being able to work or focus on anything else. He was paralyzed by it. I did not meet these episodes with compassion and understanding. There is a bit of sadness I feel just typing that out. I just did not get it. I began to learn more about it as Todd gathered tools to manage it. It has taken hard work, counseling, and for him, medication. I have developed compassion and empathy I did not possess in the early years.

Todd’s experience living with anxiety helped us recognize it in Emily. We noticed from a young age many things triggered anxiety. The number of things that create anxiety for her is too long to list. It may be easier to tell you what doesn’t trigger anxiety: The Wiggles and eating. When the world stopped due to the pandemic, Emily’s anxiety escalated. It seemed like everything would trigger it. You can see and feel it. Her hands and feet sweat. She grabs for me like I am a life raft she needs to hold onto to keep from drowning. Her eyes will blink rapidly, or she will cover her ears. Her anxiety is easy to see and recognize. It is hard to watch her experience it. Finding ways to temper it is not easy.

Covering ears is one sign Emily is anxious

For the past eight months, we have worked with her neurologist to try to get a balance of medications and a routine that gives her comfort. Mental health treatment is not a one size fits all treatment. Most health issues are not. We all respond differently to treatments and what works for some, does not work for all. This year of trial and error and throwing darts to see which ones will stick has sucked. Seeing Emily panic and freak out sucks. Anxiety SUCKS but we will figure it out. We will continue to do whatever it takes to help her manage it.

Sometimes Grace IS Self-Care

We all have ideas of what self-care is. A day at the spa, a weekend retreat, a massage…you get the idea. Friday I had my first hair appointment in six months. I consider that self-care as well. It was an evening appointment because you take what you can get in COVID times. I fed the family and made sure Todd was ready to take charge and off I went.

I returned home less than 3 hours later to some drama. Emily was whining from her room and Todd was sulking in front of the television. The washing machine was working hard and I could smell bleach (one of my favorite smells…yes, really). I can tell that I missed something epic and I feel a little gratitude if I am being honest.

Emily’s schedule has been really off these past few weeks and her anxiety has been high. She is having panic attacks during transitional walking, when sitting in regular chairs, and recently while sitting on the toilet. She has been refusing to use the restroom on the toilet for the past few weeks. This is both frustrating and challenging after years of success. While she cannot tell us when she needs to go, our consistency and scheduled trips have made our lives better. This season, a bit of a mess.

Todd tried to get her to go to the restroom before bed and she refused. He finally gave up and put her to bed. Well, you can imagine what happened after. It was a shit-show in the true sense of the word. After stripping her bed, bathing her, washing her hair, cleaning up all the surfaces, and doing laundry both were upset and exhausted.

My first thought was, “If I had been home this would not have happened.” Is that even true and even if there is truth in that statement, is that thought useful? I decided to let that one scroll on by. I went to comfort Emily and cuddle her in a clean and sparse bed. I see her glaring out the room at Todd who is still pouting. I call out to him, “did you apologize for getting upset?” He just shrugs his shoulders. The next thing I know he is sitting next to her and they are having a little “chat”. I feel the energy in the room lighten. There calm in the house has returned.

I reflected on the day and knew I showed up with love and compassion. I did not beat myself up for not being there. I decided to give myself grace. I also comforted both Todd and Emily. I thanked Todd for taking amazing care of Emily, bathing her, cleaning the bathroom, and doing laundry, because that was off my “to-da” list for Saturday now. I decided that sometimes grace is self-care. It certainly was on this day.

The Wins Matter

When we are working on a goal, it is important to recognize the progress toward it. It is easy to get lost in the “end result”: The Finish Line. Reaching a goal is only one moment on the journey of progress. If we attach only to the goal, and not the person we are becoming on the way, the finish can be a letdown. We miss all the successes and small changes we created to get there. The tiny habits we built on each day. We create joy in the journey by celebrating all the way to goal.

I am someone who plans daily. I have written over 700 daily plans. Some are in notebooks, expensive journals, planners, or a blank piece of copy paper. The vessel is not important to me. I always say the planner that works is the one you use. What you will find on almost all of these plans are my daily wins. Some directly related to my goals and many just ways I showed up that day. There are days when my win might be that I got up, took a shower, and made the bed. Those are the easy ones to add. The hard-fought wins are not getting upset at my son for forgetting to move his car for the street sweeper, or not having a glass of wine at the end of a tough day. The Wins Matter.

Every time we acknowledge our success and wins, our brains take notice. As the wins accumulate, so does the confidence that comes with them. The growing wins drown out the noise of difficulties. It softens the blow of challenges because your brain knows it can overcome them. It has evidence of doing this over and over. Our brain has to practice new thoughts, new beliefs, and new patterns of what we are capable of doing.

If you have ever listened to Tony Robbins, he talks about the power of our minds. He often says, “Where our mind goes, energy flows.” If we put our brainpower to work focusing on the successes, it will look for more success. If we focus on the problems, our brain will find the problems. It is just how the brain is wired. It may sound like woo-woo, but there is a science to it. You may have bought a new car, and suddenly you see that make, model, or color everywhere. This is a good example of our brain looking for something that it never really noticed before, but was always there. Our brain is seeking out the information now.

If we look for wins and successes, our brain will see more of them. Count the wins. Celebrate the wins. Put your mind to work at seeing what is possible.

Stop Romancing Your Food

I was recently working with a client who was struggling with chocolate. She described “just wanting it”. It was so delicious that she ate more than her body needed. This is common. We often discuss food, especially things like ice cream, wine, and chocolate, in a way that creates desire. Ever watch the Food Network? The hosts try to create an image of delight, desire, and joy about the creations. They want the viewer to desire it and it works. We think about how good it will be and want to make it ourselves.

I recently caught myself having a thought that seemed innocent. “This is such an amazing sunset, a glass of wine on the deck would make it even better”. Is that even true? No, that is the lie. Rather than believing the thought, I challenged it. “Billie, will the glass of wine really make the sunset better, or is that just some BS your brain is thinking?” Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true. We want to be in tune with the conversation in our heads. Our primal brain is looking for a fast, easy dopamine rush. Not always because we are trying to avoid some horrible thing in our life, but because our brains just want it. It is both creative and fast.

Changing how we talk about food can reduce some of the desire. Quit making the candy bar, Merlot, or ice cream sound so tempting and desirable. Stop talking about food in words you would use to describe your spouse or dear friend. Neutralize the dialogue. For example, tonight we are having ground beef tacos and salad for dinner. That is a neutral sentence. You may think tacos sound good after reading this, but your brain is not getting all excited about it.

If I were to say something like, “I went to this exclusive specialty store and got corn tortillas that are made fresh to order. They are soft, tender, and incredible. They are the perfect vessel to cradle the beef that has been slow-cooked to perfection. The beef is seasoned with a spice mix that my best friend brings me from Mexico. There is nothing like it. Just the right amount of heat and sweet. My son grated three types of cheese to add and I made fresh pico de gallo and salsa. Don’t forget the batch of guacamole I whipped up with perfect avocados. These tacos are going to be amazing! You won’t want to stop eating. They are that good.” Now that is romancing the food.

I challenge you to just listen to the conversation you have about food. Be curious about thoughts that arise when you think of freshly churned ice cream or lasagna made from scratch versus raw carrots and raisins. Just listen. Your thoughts will come. You can choose to take the romance out and make them more neutral. It will create more success in approaching food as fuel your body needs to run instead of a lover you are about to embrace.

We Were The Lucky Ones

I got a call from my husband one afternoon that he was bringing a guest home for dinner. I had a mini panic attack. The house was not “company ready” and I didn’t have anything prepared to serve for dinner. Todd told me not to worry about anything. He arrived home an hour later with a Pitbull puppy and all the things a dog would need. He also had a receipt for the hefty vet bill. I lost it. (I did not have thought-work back in the day.) I could not believe he would bring a Pitbull to our home. Lucky, as he called him, had been hit by a car roaming the streets of South Los Angeles. Todd could not just drive by. He scooped the dog up and took him to the vet for assessment. Lucky was a scrappy and skinny street dog with road burns down his back that he sustained in the accident. He was lucky to be alive, get medical care, and have Todd bring him home.

Lucky and Coco were the same size (for about a week)

My mind went straight to doom and gloom. We already had a puppy, Coco. We also had two small children and a boa constrictor. This is crazy! I said, “You have to choose between the snake and the Pitbull. I will not have two things that can eat my children in this house!” Pitbulls are not often painted in a good light, and most stories I heard were not good. Lucky, had won Todd’s heart in a way that a red-tail boa never would. The next day Todd went to a pet store with the snake (I cannot remember the snake’s name) and got her rehomed. YES! I might like this dog after all.

The first year was tough. I was concerned about Emily being safe because she couldn’t walk and was always on the floor crawling. I also had concerns about Lucky hurting Coco. Both were concerns that never came to pass. Lucky, a gentle giant, would let Coco run the house. She was the Alpha and she let him know. Over the years she took a chunk out of each of his ears. Not once, but twice. It was a bloody mess both times, but Lucky never fought back. He was never aggressive with any of us. He was always gentle and loving.

Over the last 14 years Lucky has added so much to our home. He was never a one-person dog, but loved being around everyone in his pack, even Coco. Lucky enjoyed his bath and would climb into the tub for me without any resistance. He was not a fan of being alone and let you know. Even to be separated by a door would upset him. He would cry if we were not home when by sunset. He was a big, sensitive baby. He could read my emotions. If he thought I was down, he would follow me, comfort me, and just love me. I could not tell you the number of times I tripped over him. He was always at my feet.

In December I noticed Lucky’s neck was swollen. I thought maybe he had an abscess. We took him to see the vet. His blood work and organs were all amazing for a dog of his age. That was the good news. The biopsy of his lymph nodes told a different story. The vet informed us that Lucky had lymphoma. We began a steroid treatment to manage the symptoms. The treatment gave him some extra time and we enjoyed every precious moment with him. He continued to show his love and loyalty for each of us every single day. This past weekend his time with us came to an end (a beautiful story for another post). Our family is grieving the loss. He was close to each of us and our home does not feel the same without him. He added so much love and laughter into our home. I will definitely be writing more about Lucky in future posts. He had a big impact on my life and his light in our home is missed.

Rest in peace my good and faithful companion

Dam-Sized Gap Plan

This week marks a full year Emily has been home from school. She was out sick the last few weeks before we completely shutdown in California on March 13, 2020. It feels like only yesterday and like forever ago at the same time. Adjusting to all of her services being stolen from her in one day is still a hard pill for our family to swallow. I know the struggle is real for everyone but I believe it has been a little harder for the disabled and the elderly. That is just a thought, but one I stand by.

It takes so many people to care for Emily and to meet her needs. She needs full care. Our family could never do it alone. Well, that is not true, because we did it for the first few months of quarantine. When a world pandemic forced it on us, her care became ours alone. As we were all adjusting to having 4 people in a 1,000 square foot house all trying to find a corner of quiet and good internet connection to work, Emily was just confused. She became agitated. She was angry. She got louder. Her anxiety began to increase. She could not and still does not understand. Her agitation and anxiety echoed off the walls. It was audible and palpable. Imagine waking up one day and everything you know is gone with no explanation: your job, your friends, your support system and you have no idea why.

We managed for about 12 weeks like this. All of us clinging to a life raft to keep our heads above water. Weather permitting, I would take Emily outside for walks. Some days my hips and foot pain kept our walks short. I would bring a small blanket to park my bottom on the wet grass at the park as everything was taped or fenced off because the park was “closed”. I brought a speaker to listen to music or play a podcast.

On one of our walks we listened to Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast. It was about debunking the myth that relationships are 50/50. In it she discusses that her and her husband developed a habit of discussing how much they had to give on a percentage basis and included the kids as well. If the family had at least 100% between them, then they were good and if not, they had to figure out how to close the gap. After I listened, I knew our family needed a GAP Plan. I was also certain there was no way Todd, Justin and I could ever get to 100% without help. We were going to have to open our circle to bridge the dam-sized gap in our home.

I remember bringing up the discussion with Todd. He was not thrilled at first. COVID-19 is real. It increased our risk and Emily’s risk of getting it. I told him we had to come up with a solution because our family could not continue living like this. There is balance between mental and physical health and while we were all physically healthy, I could see our mental health dipping, especially Emily’s. After some debate, he agreed. I reached out to someone who has cared for Emily in the past and only lived with one other person that worked from home. Her job had been shut down since March and the risk was low to invite her into our home. She agreed to care for Emily a few days a week during peek hours when my job needed me to be available. Emily was happier getting out of the house for walks and to see a new face. I had a few hours to concentrate at work. The help also gave my back, my hips, my feet and my mind a much needed break. There was really nowhere to go, but just having someone else around lifted Emily’s spirit. We have continued to open our circle a bit over time to meet our needs and to give Emily more sense of community and her normalcy.

I cannot say that I have loved quarantine. Emily and I are a lot alike in that we both love social interaction. Zoom and the phone is okay, but just not the same as in person connection. Our family has rallied together over the past year. We have all taken turns doing the heavy lifting when another is busy or physically exhausted. We have done the best we can with the resources we have but I still believe Emily deserves and longs for more. I have said for years that it takes a village to care for Emily. The last year has spotlighted the truth in that statement.

One of The Short Family “Road Therapy” Drives

48 Hours

Recently Todd and I got away for a glorious 48 hours. No, it wasn’t like the movie with Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy (totally dating myself here). I did use a bucket toilet for the weekend, so for me that is about as renegade as I get. Respites away from home are few and far between. Add a year of no services for children and adults with disabilities in California due to COVID, and respite is as rare as a Gible (Pokémon ode to my sister, Carol). A few months into lockdown, we found a caregiver willing to come to our home and help with Emily a few days a week so I can keep my day job and my sanity. Recently she suggested Todd and I get away for a day or two, and she and Justin would hold down the fort we affectionately refer to as Casa de Chaos. Todd got super excited and immediately wanted to go camping. He asked me if I would go camping in the desert with him. Since I usually decide where we go, and I made 2021 my “Year of Yes” (thanks Shonda Rhimes), I said “Yes, I would love to.” That was certainly laying it on a bit thick.

I am not a fan of camping. I do not even like Glamping. I am more of a Palm Springs boutique hotel than tent and bucket gal, but Todd’s childlike giddiness and excitement challenged me to embrace the idea. The ladies in my accountability group got to hear me daily talk about my thought work. Each day I was writing about creating a “lush” experience of camping in the desert with my husband for two nights. I was serious about visualizing everything at home being fine. The caregiver not facing any challenges. The drive with Todd being drama free. I visualized myself staying calm in the passenger seat of his truck, and joyfully listening to music and loving our time together. I decided I could use a bucket toilet for a couple days, and it would be an adventure. I knew it was a stretch, but if you build it they will come, right? I was doing my part, I was preparing my mind.

While I prepared my mind, Todd was in full planning and execution mode. Every day packages would arrive on our doorstep with something that would be needed for our trip. Todd was making every effort to make sure my experience was amazing. He bought a raised cot mattress and a new tent that practically assembles itself. He pulled out his tent heater, and made sure it was in perfect working order. He bought new camping gear and containers to precisely hold everything in order, and made sure it fit perfectly in his truck bed like a game of Tetris. He got new tables, lighting, emergency chargers, and a new camp stove. He began confiscating my pans from the kitchen to use for our trip. He was planning the menu for our meals and doing everything. I didn’t have to do anything but show up with an open mind. I began embracing his excitement and felt myself actually getting excited about our trip too. Crazy what thought work does.

Todd bought me this Keffiyeh to keep wind and dust at bay without bulk

The night before we planned to leave, we got the weather report, and the place we planned to camp was expected to have sustained winds of 30-50mph. Todd could not hide the disappointment on his face when he told me we would need to cancel due to the weather. He suggested we stay at a hotel instead. I responded, “No, we will figure something out. Let’s get on Google and find somewhere else to go”. It took us a few hours, but we found a place in Arizona about the same distance as our original destination that looked like a good prospect. Neither of us had ever been there. Todd was not too sure, because he could not guarantee what it would be like. I told him we had nothing to lose by going there and it would be a new adventure for both of us and might be great. What? Who am I?

We arrived at KOFA Wildlife Refuge with about an hour of daylight to find a spot to camp and set up our site. All the hard work Todd had put into planning a great experience for me paid off. We had our site up in no time, and made a simple dinner of beer brats on French rolls. We made a lovely campfire to sit by, and we watched the sky delight us with stars that surrounded us and seemed to touch hills in the valley. The sky was amazing and the stillness around us so peaceful. We really just enjoyed the silence and slowness. We both adapted, and both showed up as our best selves for one another. It amazes me that after 35 years together, we continue to surprise one another.